Valentino

Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. 

And then it crashes in the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. You know it's one conception of death for Buddhists: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be.

- The Good Place

I had been trying to put it off because writing it here feels like I'm bringing a sense of finality to it, that it's real, and that I could no longer escape it. My Tatay Valentino Cruz passed away a week ago today, and we're still reeling from the fast turn of events.

This loss, this huge gap he left, I do not know what to do with it. There is a huge hole in my heart that nothing can fill. I no longer have a Father.

He was hotheaded and stubborn, and I got my temper from him. But he was kind, he was thoughtful, he taught us how to pray. And he loved us so, so much.

Life is for the living, so I know the most I can do right now is to continue honoring his memory. It's sad that I only got to fully appreciate him and everything he did when he is no longer here, but I hope he knows that I love him very much. We are extremely sad, but the thought that a lot of people will carry beautiful memories with and stories of him brings us comfort. I have been staying with my family at this time, cooking meals and supporting in any way I can, but I need to go back to work again tomorrow, although I will be here until the 40th day.

We love you, Tatay. We love you very much. Rest in peace and fly high with Lola Binyang, Lolo Popoy, Kim, and all the angels. 

December 31, 2020