Hi, I'm Awkward.

I am so awkward that if I were a Pokemon I would most probably be Psyduck. I am so awkward that if I have a Patronus it would most likely be a penguin. My life is that one big awkward moment. 

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What I want to have are the poise and grace of ballerinas. I've thought of this way before the Black Swan movie was released: don't they look like swans when performing? I remember wanting to be a ballerina so bad when I was a kid so I begged and pleaded my Mama to enroll me in a ballet class, after which I will join Little Miss Philippines and get famous like Aiza Seguerra was. Oh, the simple joys of children. Guess what? She made me take lessons alright, but they were piano lessons. To somehow compensate, she gave me a crosstitch pattern featuring a cute ballerina cartoon and bought all the materials I needed (and that was a fancy pattern to make because it needed beads LOL. Mama and I ended up finishing that masterpiece as a mother-daughter collaborative effort, but sadly we lost it in a big fire). Now when I attempt to 'glide' like a ballerina I just look like a skinny whale.

I am terribly shy, I get too self-conscious when speaking to a lot of people, I get intimidated easily, and I clam up in big crowds. I hate it and I don't want to be like this any more. Nevertheless, I do know for a fact that it takes a certain amount of self-love to be able to open a blog site and post whatever you want, even including photos in the process. I thought that if I have gotten to the point where I've become too reserved for my own good, then I wouldn't have been able to open myself to criticism the way I am doing now. Hope is not lost.

I used to be more outgoing and outspoken. When I was still studying, I was a part (and sometimes even an elected leader) of several school organizations and spearheaded many different extra-curricular activities. I charmed my classmates, teachers, and even the Commission on Higher Education that I got to go to Singapore for a youth camp back in 2004, representing not only my university but the whole country. I don't know what happened but it's like I suddenly developed this big shell where I retreated into. I don't think present me will be able to do that but I do know that if given time to think and motivate myself then I would've been able to push myself to do it. 

I don't even know why I am telling you these things, but yeah I guess it's good to poke fun on myself every once in a while. I also believe in recognizing and acknowledging my own weaknesses so that I can work on them. These days I've started pushing myself to 'participate' more and if I can afford it I even think of enrolling to a personality development course. When I want to speak but get shy, I have this inner debate and most of the time "ah f*ck it" wins, so I then blurt out what I want to say, but mostly during inopportune moments because the moment has already passed by. Y U SO LOW, self-esteem? -_-

I guess it's too late for those ballerina lessons, no? Do you have any helpful tips for little ol' awkward me, oh wonderful netizens of the world wide web? Post away, I would greatly appreciate it!