Longing to be infinite

I am sad.

I've been feeling sad the whole week and try as I might, I cannot quite shake off the somber state I suddenly found myself in. What's worse is that I can't even bring myself to cry. I find shedding tears therapeutic, you see, and I always find things to be a little bit brighter (and my chest, lighter) after a few sobs. I need a cleanse - in the form of reading my fool-proof tear-inducing remedies The Notebook or The Fault in Our Stars - but they were borrowed by my friends so I guess I'd just have to sit this out and play Chefville until this horrible feeling goes away.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie will be shown here in the Philippines this week, and I was fortunate enough to have been invited to the premiere. I'm still not quite convinced with Emma Watson's acting ability but I'm excited to see the movie because I found myself identifying with the main character Charlie from the first time I read the book. Not because I suffered any form of abuse, but because like him I am also very introspective. I was very outspoken and outgoing when I was younger but it changed drastically when I got to my 20s: I became shy, reserved, awkward, and found myself retreating to my own shell. I felt like I lost balance and started struggling to find my serenity within this chaos.

Maybe a contributing factor to this are broken friendships and relationships. I find that losing friends because of rifts and misunderstandings feels like total blindsides, and heartbreaks do damaging things to one's self-esteem. You feel rejected. You feel insecure. You feel like you were not enough. I know I shouldn't dwell on it too much because after all, "Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody." but I really have problems letting go easily. And if I feel like I am not enough, how would I be able to step out of this mess of self-deprecation and go after what I want? Isn't it that "we accept the love we think we deserve"?

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have." And that is for the Team What-Are-You-Sad-About-Other-People-Have-It-Much-Worse.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." I think this is what having a quarter-life crisis feels like, and I should just suck it in and wait for the sad feelings to go away... It's just that I'm scared I might be used to their looming presence and let them take over my life.

I know this is too heavy a topic for this lazy Saturday noon but I can't help myself --- I need to shout out to the universe that I am sad, that she may help bring a smile to my heart again. Because "there's nothing like deep breaths after laughing hard. Nothing in the world like a sore stomach for the right reasons."